Hey, it's me again. Surprised? I guess not, cause this is my blog y'all. But today I wanna tell ya something. I really hate it when people say I'm a nice, warm, kind and helpful man. Nah, you just don't know me yet, dude. Don't label me with that good stuff. Indeed, the more you know me and see my darkest side, the more you'll regret saying that I'm kind. Because in fact, I'm not that kind. You'll know that I'm such dick, an asshole, a mess, and a douchebag. 

Sounds childish? I know. Au ah, capek ngomong pake basa enggres perlu mikir. Tapi gini ya, yang bikin males adalah, karena kesan pertamanya orang-orang pada ngecap aku sebagai orang baik, lalu ketika aku tidak menjadi baik, mereka heran, kecewa dan bilang "kok kamu sekarang gini sih" "kamu berubah" "sejak kapan kamu gini", yo bitch, aku udah gini dari dulu, kalian aja yang baru tau sekarang, gausah kaget. Aku manusia setengaah setan, cuma kadang pake topeng malaikat kemana-mana. Banyak kok yang benci sama aku, tersakiti sama aku (buset bahasanya), dan punya dendam sama aku. Aku udah biasa dibenci, jadi rasanya aneh aja kalo ada orang yang suka muji2 aku. Tandanya dia belom kenal betul. 

Ya kalo kalian nyesel kenal sama aku pergi aja. Daripada aku ngerusak ekspektasi kalian, kan. Kalian pikir cuma karena aku lulusan pesantren terus aku orangnya alim, pinter ngaji, suka ibadah, gapernah nakal? Wah anda kebanyakan nonton sinetron, kurang-kurangin ya, gabaik. Anak pesantren juga manusia biasa boss, bisa berbuat dosa juga. Heboh amat. Segitu pentingnya latar belakang seseorang buat jadi patokan kalian nilai orang itu? Yeee, paok. 

Dah ah, gatau mau ngomong apa. Makin kebawah kok tulisannya makin ngawur. 
I think I need a break, kinda long one, but I don't know for how long. So starting from today, I'm deactivating all my main accounts from Instagram and Twitter. Besides, no one's looking for me either. Dan menurutku akhir-akhir ini bermain medsos sungguh melelahkan, overwhelming dan lebih banyak orang debat ga jelas. 

Why bother reach me out? Am I important to you? Aku kan bukan presiden, ngilang dari sosmed ya ga penting juga kan? Aku cuma butuh jeda. Kalo cuma sekadar cari hiburan, kan bisa bikin second account, masih ada TikTok, YouTube, ada game juga. Bersosial media itu baik, tapi bukankah lebih asyik kalo kita bersosialisasi beneran? Lagian kalo follow orang di sosmed kan kita cuma liat apa yang pengen mereka posting, terus pencet like, komen, udah. There's no real interraction there, selain karena emang aku juga jarang berkomunikasi sama orang lain. 

Mungkin kalo setelah 30 hari puasa medsos hidupku lebih baik, I'll delete them permanently. Cukuplah jadi manusia goa, cukuplah bikin medsos untuk kerja, gausah bikin akun personal lagi. Dimanfaatin buat cari duit aja udah. Toh kalo orang emang pengen bersosialisasi pasti larinya ke WhatsApp atau Telegram. Main sosmed emang yang bakalan DM siapa sih? Hahaha, bukan artis, ganteng juga ngga, gausah ngarep dapet DM bejibun sampe ga sempet bacain satu-satu. 

Mungkin setelah ini aku bakal lebih rajin nulis di blog, since I don't have Twitter as my main writing platform. Ya, paling isinya singkat-singkat aja, yang penting jadi kepake lagi. Sayang udah bikin blog dari lama tapi jarang diisi. Puisi sama tulisan yang lain dibikin kalo lagi mood ya, hihihieww. 
Hari ini dapet kiriman gambar, isinya "nyenengin orang lain gaperlu sampe nyusahin diri sendiri"
Merasa tertampar, tapi memang ini seperti kutukan bagi orang-orang perasa dan nggak enakan. Karena suka kepikiran sama perasaan orang lain, padahal orang itu sendiri ga mikir -atau bahkan ga peduli- kita jadi berusaha buat nyenengin perasaan orang lain, terjebak menjadi people pleaser, dan akhirnya nyusahin diri dan perasaan sendiri. 

Parahnya, kita selalu mengusahakan kebahagiaan buat orang lain sampe lupa kapan terakhir kali membahagiakan diri sendiri. Malah, bisa jadi lupa sama apa yang sebenernya bisa bikin kita bahagia karena tenggelam dalam romantisasi kalimat "kalo dia bahagia, gue juga ikut bahagia kok".

Kalo diinget-inget pasti sering kan mendahulukan perasaan orang lain. Giliran diri sendiri malah disuruh sabar, bilang 'nanti aja' 'ah gampang' 'ntar juga mendingan'. Mungkin ocehan saya ini ga relate sama orang-orang egois yang merasa bahwa dunia ini hanya berputar untuknya. Tapi, ya semua orang toxic dengan caranya masing-masing. Ada yang toxic bagi orang lain, ada pula yang toxic bagi dirinya sendiri. Tinggal, kamu masuk golongan yang mana? 

Ironisnya, saking seringnya menyusahkan diri sendiri demi menyenangkan orang lain, kita sampai menormalisasi penderitaan-penderitaan yang terjadi sebagai konsekuensinya. Sampe tiba pada akhirnya, ketika tiba giliran kita merasa senang, malah curiga sama nasib dan ga percaya. Bahkan mikir "kalo sekarang gue ngerasa seneng berarti habis ini bakal ada sesuatu" atau "kalo gue ngerasa seneng, habis ini pasti bakal kenapa-kenapa" terus akhirnya kepikiran, overthinking dan ga jadi seneng beneran. See? Karena terlalu sering merasa bahwa susah itu hal yang wajar, alam bawah sadar kita sampe nggak mengizinkan diri sendiri buat ngerasa senang, apalagi bahagia. Udah takut duluan. 

Efek lain yang ditimbulkan ya termasuk perasaan untuk takut bermimpi, takut berharap, karena trauma sama perasaan kecewa yang datang berulang dan bertubi-tubi. Eh, gatau juga sih. Semua ini kan pendapat saya dan berdasarkan pengalaman pribadi. Efek yang dirasakan tiap orang kan ga mungkin 100% sama. Jadi kalau ada yang nggak sependapat sama tulisan ini ya silahkan. Itu kan pendapat kamu, bukan saya.
Hey, it's me again. Suddenly i just feel so blue. Don't know why and how. Damn, I can't even understand myself. Yet people still pushing me to understand them. Ironic? Hell yeah

How am I supposed to feel alive when all I feel is just an emptiness? I don't even afraid of feeling pain anymore because, pain is all I got. I don't care if I'm bleeding, or if someone crash me on the road. The truth is, sometimes I'm looking for any chance to die on the road. You may call me crazy, and I'm not gonna deny that. 

I don't know what's triggering my mind to overthink but i think it's just everything. Like everytime I feel some insecurities, denial, or anger I just feel like I don't deserve to live anymore. And I don't have someone to share, well maybe I do, but I just not used to tell people how do I feel, what do I want, waht I don't like, what is my favorite songssongs.  I spent most of my life listening to other's problems, but I don't give myself a chance to be a speaker. And everytime I tried to, I just don't know where to start, what should I say, how do I speak without feeling embarrassed.  I know that's stupid, but here I am.  You may leave me if you don't want me. I'm not afraid being unwanted. 

I'm not forcing you to stand by me, I'll never ask you to not leave me.  You'll get tired staying by my side anyway, because of that much negativity inside my mind. I'm sharing this on my blog because I don't think it's doable to share this anywhere else or to someone else at all of a sudden.  All my friends are busy and I don't wanna bother 'em.  I can't force someone to listen to all of my complaints, can I? 
Lately, I often spend my spare times to overthink everything. And to end my life, I think that's a solution. I don't know how much I feel so unwanted and so unloved. And yet I don't have any support system. Where do I seek for help when I trust nobody. 

I used to be some of my friends support system and also became their best ears. But here I am, still feeling alone and so unworthy yet I still wondering if I can still pretend that egerything was fine, till I can't. My biggest fear of sharing a story is that, dare I say, no one can really keep a secret, not even your mom. It will always leak somewhere. And I bet, no one can keep everything secret better than me. Wow, how arrogant I am saying this. But, that's how reality works, at least on me. 

And to make it even worse, I am someone who can get easily offended by people's words. And that's what just happened yesterday. My dad yelled at me all day long saying that I can't even handle everything right. Then last night my girl also mad at me because I didn't pick up her 15 missed calls caused by me got overslept. Well,  all of them was really my fault and that's what makes me even feel more unworthy and yet today I got a ticket from police for missed license plate on my bike. What a beautiful weekend, ey? 

Fortunately, my sanity still handles better than my ego which stopped me from any suicide plans, again. And ended by only cutting my arms like I always do. And if you trying to get me a psychiatric, just don't bother. I just simply won't go there, they just too expensive to reach and I have no insurance policy. 

Sometimes I wonder how people can get along with their dads while I can't. So fair, eh. And how people are having their support system while I'm just sitting here alone and having nobody else to share with. Well, no matter what, in the end I will be alone. At least I'm getting my self to get used to it from now on. 

I have so many siblings and then I think, if I die, my parents won't be mourning me so bad because they still have another kids beside me. And my friends will foreget me so easily because they just don't remember me that much. 

Well I don't care how broken my english is, I'm just in a mood of writing those shitty life of mine. 
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