Daydreamer

Lately, I often spend my spare times to overthink everything. And to end my life, I think that's a solution. I don't know how much I feel so unwanted and so unloved. And yet I don't have any support system. Where do I seek for help when I trust nobody. 

I used to be some of my friends support system and also became their best ears. But here I am, still feeling alone and so unworthy yet I still wondering if I can still pretend that egerything was fine, till I can't. My biggest fear of sharing a story is that, dare I say, no one can really keep a secret, not even your mom. It will always leak somewhere. And I bet, no one can keep everything secret better than me. Wow, how arrogant I am saying this. But, that's how reality works, at least on me. 

And to make it even worse, I am someone who can get easily offended by people's words. And that's what just happened yesterday. My dad yelled at me all day long saying that I can't even handle everything right. Then last night my girl also mad at me because I didn't pick up her 15 missed calls caused by me got overslept. Well,  all of them was really my fault and that's what makes me even feel more unworthy and yet today I got a ticket from police for missed license plate on my bike. What a beautiful weekend, ey? 

Fortunately, my sanity still handles better than my ego which stopped me from any suicide plans, again. And ended by only cutting my arms like I always do. And if you trying to get me a psychiatric, just don't bother. I just simply won't go there, they just too expensive to reach and I have no insurance policy. 

Sometimes I wonder how people can get along with their dads while I can't. So fair, eh. And how people are having their support system while I'm just sitting here alone and having nobody else to share with. Well, no matter what, in the end I will be alone. At least I'm getting my self to get used to it from now on. 

I have so many siblings and then I think, if I die, my parents won't be mourning me so bad because they still have another kids beside me. And my friends will foreget me so easily because they just don't remember me that much. 

Well I don't care how broken my english is, I'm just in a mood of writing those shitty life of mine.